By Danny Lee, Psychotherapist in training
Hello shame, my old friend.
Shame is a very human thing to feel. It looks different for all of us, but I’m sure we all know it well!
For some it says: You shouldn’t be [____]or you should be [____].For others it says: people won’t like you if they knew [____]. For others still, it’s the fast beating heart when someone gets close enough to see beyond the internal walls that have kept us safe this far. For most of us, it’s all of the above. And to question those messages can feel unthinkable.
When I was growing up, I knew I was gay. The short version of the story is that my girlfriend Lydia had no idea why I broke up with her (we were 13), I kept my secret on lockdown, and I searched my religion for any guidance on this very real part of me. At best, there was silence, and at worst there were messages saying that I was not okay.
At 15, I came home from school to find a pocket-sized book on my bed with a title along the lines of: “adolescence, relationships and sex.” This is the closest my family ever came to having a conversation about sex. We never spoke about what was in the book. This ‘guide’ failed to mention the existence of any other sexualities apart from being straight, and the section on masturbation was one sentence explaining that it was too complicated to touch on in this book (funnily enough this is the only part of the book I can remember!)
Enter Shame.
We all have our own unique experiences of sex and sexuality growing up. Quite often these experiences shape the internal messages we tell ourselves, or that our body subconsciously communicates to us, even years later. Some are helpful, and others pile shame on experiences that are just human.
Mine were: It’s not okay to talk about sexuality or sex, let alone do anything sexual, and especially not BE anything other than heterosexual. I’ve spent the first 8 years of my twenties trying to unravel these shame messages.
Are you able to think of any of your own experiences, and what the shame messages might be?
What I’m learning is there’s no quick fix for shame. But the fact you’re here is amazing! You are allowing yourself to be in these spaces, having these conversations and thinking about these things. You’re doing great J
The first step with shame is noticing when it’s there, being curious about it, and asking whether you have an idea where the messages that uphold it are coming from, or have come from. Try staying open to that curiosity if even for a moment (this can feel hard so be kind to yourself). Trust yourself, and see where it leads. You are good.
(Oh and if I could re-write that book, I’d include an affirming chapter on being LGBTQ+, and would be sure to say that masturbation is completely normal!)
— Danny Lee