By Sexologist Aleeya Hachem, from @great.sexpectations
Everyone knows how exciting and passionate the start of a relationship is; you can’t wait to see the other person, the sex feels spontaneous, passionate, effortless. But when the infatuation starts to wear off, we acknowledge a shift in the dynamics of the relationship and the drivers of desire. We aren’t necessarily prepared for the shift and are left wishing for more spontaneity and passion.
You may notice that the spark that you initially had with your partner has diminished; you don’t feel like having sex as often, you feel a lot more comfortable around them and can even feel bored. Often, the excitement typically begins to fade when couples move in together…
Limerence (colloquially known as the ‘honeymoon period’) is defined as the “involuntary state of deep obsession and infatuation with another person.” This period of infatuation and bliss typically lasts from a few months to a few years in relationships. However, some may report this period lasting even longer if these feelings are reciprocated.
When limerence diminishes we are left with a choice, to keep pursuing the relationship and acknowledge it for what it is, or to end the relationship in the pursuit of the next honeymoon phase. When we sit with the discomfort, acknowledge it and communicate positively with our partner, only then can we move into the following phase: love.
So, how do we continue to maintain a sexual relationship that is passionate and satisfying with our long-term partner? By taking a step back from the relationship, we can remind ourselves what it was that initially attracted us to our partner and why we chose to pursue the relationship.
Practical ways that to approach your relationship include:
· Focusing on communication:
Many people avoid conversations around sex and struggle to verbalize their sexual desires to their partner. Communicating your sexual needs, wants and desires with your partner takes practice. Create a respectful and safe space for you and your partner to discuss sex. Keep it light, positive and without any expectation. Understand that your partner is unable to read your mind, and without effective communication you will never be able to move forward in the relationship.
· Initiation of sex:
The way in which sex is initiated can determine how often sex happens and whether it is enjoyable for one or both partners. As the relationship progresses, initiating sex can become increasingly difficult and one-sided. Use your body to initiate rather than words. Show your partner that you want them rather than telling them. Take turns in initiating and don’t build up your expectations. If your partner doesn’t want to have sex tonight, it doesn’t mean that they don’t want to have sex ever again.
· Adjust your Sexpectations:
Everyone has preconceived ideas around sex and relationships. Expectations such as ‘we should be having sex x number of times a week’ can lead to disappointment when these statements are not met, perpetuating a feeling of failure in the relationship. Shifting expectations around the amount of sex you should be having into the sex that is right for you can break the cycle of misunderstanding and disappointment. Focus on the journey of sex, rather than rushing to the finish line (orgasm.) Penetrative sex isn’t the only sex on the menu, remove the pressure to perform and key into the scenarios and sensations that bring you and your partner pleasure.
By acknowledging that sex in long-term relationships changes over time, through different life stages and obstacles, we can shift our focus from the unattainable honeymoon period of the past to what we can realistically achieve with our partner.
It is important to note that sex varies between couples - there is no normal when it comes to the amount or type of sex you should be having. Creating a safe space full of curiosity, that is free of judgement and blame, allows you to focus on the aspects of the relationship that bring you and your partner together. Intimacy is expansive - play, explore and have fun.