Talking About Sex For A Living: A Rant
“I’ve become very self-conscious when it comes to making the appropriately correct
and sensitive response to anything that involves my own presence and personality”
- Howard Thurman (author, philosopher, theologian, educator, and civil rights leader)
When it comes to sex and how people live out their sexual lives, I’ve always wanted to maintain a posture that is curious and loving. Loving and accepting people for who they are, and being open to learn from others, are two very important values to me.
I was personally driven to pursue sexology because I wanted to help people make choices that empower them, choices that come from an understanding of what holistic sexuality is. Shame-free choices that align with their values and cater to their sexual wellbeing. I have never seen it as my position or right to tell people the context in which they should or should not engage with sex.
Because I’m married to a pastor and a lot of my work has taken place inside the Church, there are natural assumptions. I’ve received questions before, and I know I will again, so I wanted to address this directly here.
The Rant Part
I became a Christian at 19 (although my parents took us on and off as a pre-teen), and I come from an extremely complex family history, especially when it comes to sex, which I’ve shared about here. Because of this, I’ve always been mindful that my personal work, the contributors I welcome onto my platforms, my industry peers and audience all reflect an incredibly diverse breadth of experiences, beliefs, sexual orientations and backgrounds. This is so important and valuable to me personally, and to my work.
The idea that my work and approach as a Sexologist would be interpreted or assumed based on my personal faith, or the communities I work with is, honestly, something that stresses me out so much!!!! Despite repeatedly affirming in my book, my blogs, talks, interviews, the pitches I send out for grants and business opportunities - “I do not try to tell people how to live this part of their life” - my words are often misinterpreted this way.
Now, I’m deeply aware that what people hear or how they interpret something can be strongly influenced by their own context. Talking about sex for a living, I’ve had it all. Speaking in public amidst an ultra-conservative group of people, I told the story about making the first move on my husband. Because, who cares, right?? I was essentially booed. A couple of years later, after sharing the same story, a young girl told me how amazing it was that I encouraged guys to make the first move. I started to panic. How?? Was she on her phone the whole time? Did I say something sarcastic, and that’s all she heard??
Another time, a woman practically screamed at me (in public) that she had recently become a Christian and did not want to have sex, but was finding it hard to date people who felt the same. Listening to me talk, she believed I had told people to go out and do whatever they want with whoever they want, and that I was validating others but not her position.
I begin, end, reinforce throughout any talk I give that I do not want to tell people the context in which they should or should not have a sexual relationship, simply my work is to help provide the tools to think about sex and sexuality in a healthy and holistic way, encouraging individuals to know their values and let that guide them.
Perhaps what I am learning is that everyone interprets this differently. I’m also learning, like any self-reflective adult, that my views on things change, grow and adapt as I learn more about myself and gain knowledge in my field. I’m also an obsessive over-thinker and a people-pleaser, after growing up in a super controlled and strict household. But I’m working on it. [Side note here: if you’re shy, introverted, and overthink, you can grow and learn and achieve success, but it’s a constant journey]
So why do I do so much work in the Church?
Something I am extremely passionate about is helping people positively interrelate their faith and sexuality. I have seen the harmful psychological and physiological impact of religious sexual shame on so many people. People who value their faith, but feel like the two can not go hand in hand positively - so they choose to leave their faith. All religions address sexual behavior in some aspect and I do believe their sex positive themes throughout scripture. Faith communities have direct access to young people and have the opportunity to educate and support young people in their sexual health and wellbeing. Part of my work with On Top is to equip people in those spaces to provide shame-free, comprehensive, and fact-based resources that allow people to integrate the two!
I did an interview for a Christian media outlet and explained that, from a Christian perspective and based on the Christian tradition, sex is healthiest when experienced in marriage. I repeat: this is the Christian tradition. Some have misread this as my advice that sex is only okay in marriage. I was also careful in my book, which focuses on holistic sexuality and faith for teens, to write “God says…”. Not me. But how do I know what God says? The truth is, I left it at ‘the Bible says it.’ But this is a very naive thing to say, and I’d really like to clear this up for anyone who is interested.
To me personally, the Bible is difficult to interpret. Did you know there are 1000s of Christian denominations? Millions of people who do not agree on what the scriptures ‘say’. The Bible is a text compiled within a patriarchal society. It can be confusing, you can’t just read it at face value. There is so much context, history, and years of research to understand. Even in writing that first book, over 4 years ago, I changed my words and thoughts constantly before going to print. I am constantly learning.
What am I trying to say with all this?
As part of training and receiving accreditation as a sexologist, you do a lot of self-reflection and work on your attitude and beliefs towards sex. You do it for yourself and for the people you will work with. It is not dissimilar to becoming a psychologist or mental health professional. The process of being certified grew and stretched me in so many ways. I am committed to continuing this work, for myself and for you.
My intention and hope for this space is to give you valuable tools for reflection that empower and guide you in your sexuality. Whoever you are, whatever you believe.
A reminder that On Tops guiding virtues can always be found here.
Love,
Cheryl
