By Sexologist Aleeya Hachem, from @great.sexpectations
Do you ever notice your mind wandering during sex?
Perhaps thinking about your to do list? Or whether you’ll have an orgasm?
Recollecting the last time you had sex, did you enjoy your experience? Or were you preoccupied?
It is incredibly common for our busy minds to be overwhelmed with multiple thoughts and distractions.
Rather than setting us up for success, a racing mind only perpetuates feelings of stress and anxiety. As expected, it is also very common for this habit to spill over uncontrolled into our sex lives.
Although sex is often considered a ‘physical experience,’ desire and arousal begin in the mind. Once we perceive a stimulus to be ‘sexual,’ our brain sends a signal for our genitals to respond. This demonstrates the connection between the mind and body during the sexual experience.
If we are constantly thinking about things other than sex, then this connection is regularly interrupted, making it more difficult to immerse ourselves and enjoy the act completely. Not only this, but it also hinders our ability to enhance intimacy with our partner because sex no longer becomes a shared experience.
One way of overcoming this barrier is practising mindfulness - the act of focusing solely on the present moment, rather than ruminating in the past or worrying about the future. It can be achieved through paying attention to our internal and external states with flexibility, openness and curiosity. Of course, it is unrealistic to expect our thoughts to be present 100% of the time. Being mindful is to notice when our thoughts wander and consequently bring our attention back to the present. The benefits of mindfulness are extensive, including an increase in self-esteem or a reduction in anxiety. In relation to sex, mindfulness has profound positive implications for heightened sensation, pleasure, likelihood of climax and fosters connection with our partners. Mindfulness has also shown to reduce cortisol levels in the body, which in turn increases the frequency and potency of arousal.
By practising mindfulness, we can tune in to the everyday erotic encounters with our partner and foster more dynamic intimacy. We can do this either individually, or as a couple, via an awareness of the present moment with a focus on our own openness and curiosity and a conscious refusal of judgement and attachment.
As we are all acutely aware, being mindful, or practicing mindful sex is much easier said than done. So how can we work to incorporate this when we have sex, without necessarily involving our partner?
1. Experiment with mindfulness outside the bedroom:
By practising mindfulness in everyday life, it is easier to incorporate during sex as we have a greater understanding of what the experience inherently feels like. Apps such as Headspace and Smiling Mind are fantastic at teaching the core principles of mindfulness and contributing exercises easily implemented in both everyday life as well as during sex.
2. When in doubt, breathe:
The quickest way to bring yourself back into the body (and into the present moment) is through our breath. Focus on the sensation of inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth, the rise and fall of the chest, expansion and deflation of the diaphragm. Diverting attention to the breath aligns us with our bodily sensations and alleviates feelings of anxiety. It can be just thing to calm us down and reconnect us with the present moment.
3. Focus on foreplay:
Returning to the connection between mind and body - rushing straight to the main event means that our minds (or bodies) are not necessarily prepared for sex. By taking the pressure off anticipation or expectation of penetrative sex and exploring foreplay without any time constraint, this allows us to focus on the physical sensations shared with our partner. When the experience is slow, it gives our mind permission to relax.
4. Lock eyes with your partner:
While this may feel uncomfortable in the first instance for some, maintaining eye contact with your partner is an effective way to return you to the present moment – it is nearly impossible for your mind to wander when you lock eyes. Moreover, eye contact can do wonders for helping you connect with your partner on a deeper level. Through eye contact, we feel truly seen by our partner. Never underestimate its power to foster sustained connection.
Like anything, mindfulness takes practice. The more we try to incorporate mindfulness into our everyday life, the easier it becomes to be conscious during sex. It is important not to assume the need to be invariably present during sex – our minds will always do their best to flow between thoughts. Rather, mindfulness is about noticing when your thoughts wander and simply focusing your attention on the present moment.
When in doubt, slow down, regroup and bring your attention back to the beautiful and conscious connection between mind and body.